It's hard to recognize an invalidator, because a truly good one can bypass the scrutiny of your logical mind, and you find yourself feeling bad without knowing why. The invalidator is underhanded, and the person being invalidated is often unsuspecting except for knowing that he or she feels bad. The invalidator actually feels inferior to some other person, so he or she tries to make that other person feel small. Thus the invalidator can control the victim. Have you met anyone like this? Whether you are aware of it or not, you probably have. You probably know one or several invalidators.
The invalidator uses various suppressive mechanisms to chop away at your self-esteem. He pretends to acknowledge something you are proud of, then later makes some negative insinuation about it. He feels out what you think your shortcomings are and then exploits them at calculated times when he knows you are vulnerable. The invalidator may persist in invalidating you until you succumb. He has to control you because he perceives you as being superior to him. He takes accusations that have "some truth" and fires them at you "in all honesty," "just being your friend," "to help you out."
The difference between an invalidator and a real friend is that a real friend will tell you one negative thing about yourself and then back off to give you space to consider it. An invalidator will lay many of your faults out for you and persist until you feel as big as the period at the end of this sentence. An invalidator will pick out the qualities about yourself that are most important to you and then tear them apart. An invalidator will listen to you share something that you don't like about yourself and then later use it against you. This is all done in such a subtle way that you are unaware of it.
If you do confront an invalidator on what she is doing, she will say something like, "OH, come on now! I love you. I'm your friend. Where did you get these silly ideas?" And she may really like you. She may really want to be your friend . . . but only on her terms and only after she has you in her control. She may make you look silly for even thinking such things about her. She may make you feel guilty or cheap in front of your friends for accusing her of invalidating you. She may get angry at you for your accusations. Whatever she can do to invalidate you further, she will. If she really thinks you are onto her, she may apologize and then not invalidate you again . . . until later when you are unsuspecting.
In short, the invalidator does whatever is necessary to control you. He is control-crazy, and any time he perceives himself to be not in control, he will be scared.
Invalidators are around us every day, tormenting us with their promises, rejoicing in our weaknesses, demanding our trust, our votes, and our lives, while remaining totally indifferent to everything except their thirst for power. Power to order the lives of other men consoles them for their own insufficiencies, their lack of humanity. They must have power or perish, and it is all one to them if they misuse their power or crush others in their efforts to seize power.
These invalidators can be particularly nasty characters if they get into positions of power. And they are always striving for positions of power because they have an obsessive need to control people and events.
The more clever invalidators don't use their powers until it's absolutely necessary. The invalidator can appear to be quite friendly for a very long time. Then when it comes time for a promotion and it's you or him, he chews you up and spits you out in front of management before you know what hit you - all the while being your good friend. He will even invent perfectly logical reasons why you wouldn't have wanted the job anyway. That is, unless he wants to destroy you completely. Then he will just make you look bad in front of everyone for a long time. He might do this with information you told him about yourself in confidence, when he so endearingly listened to you.
The invalidator uses various suppressive mechanisms to chop away at your self-esteem. He pretends to acknowledge something you are proud of, then later makes some negative insinuation about it. He feels out what you think your shortcomings are and then exploits them at calculated times when he knows you are vulnerable. The invalidator may persist in invalidating you until you succumb. He has to control you because he perceives you as being superior to him. He takes accusations that have "some truth" and fires them at you "in all honesty," "just being your friend," "to help you out."
The difference between an invalidator and a real friend is that a real friend will tell you one negative thing about yourself and then back off to give you space to consider it. An invalidator will lay many of your faults out for you and persist until you feel as big as the period at the end of this sentence. An invalidator will pick out the qualities about yourself that are most important to you and then tear them apart. An invalidator will listen to you share something that you don't like about yourself and then later use it against you. This is all done in such a subtle way that you are unaware of it.
If you do confront an invalidator on what she is doing, she will say something like, "OH, come on now! I love you. I'm your friend. Where did you get these silly ideas?" And she may really like you. She may really want to be your friend . . . but only on her terms and only after she has you in her control. She may make you look silly for even thinking such things about her. She may make you feel guilty or cheap in front of your friends for accusing her of invalidating you. She may get angry at you for your accusations. Whatever she can do to invalidate you further, she will. If she really thinks you are onto her, she may apologize and then not invalidate you again . . . until later when you are unsuspecting.
In short, the invalidator does whatever is necessary to control you. He is control-crazy, and any time he perceives himself to be not in control, he will be scared.
Invalidators are around us every day, tormenting us with their promises, rejoicing in our weaknesses, demanding our trust, our votes, and our lives, while remaining totally indifferent to everything except their thirst for power. Power to order the lives of other men consoles them for their own insufficiencies, their lack of humanity. They must have power or perish, and it is all one to them if they misuse their power or crush others in their efforts to seize power.
These invalidators can be particularly nasty characters if they get into positions of power. And they are always striving for positions of power because they have an obsessive need to control people and events.
The more clever invalidators don't use their powers until it's absolutely necessary. The invalidator can appear to be quite friendly for a very long time. Then when it comes time for a promotion and it's you or him, he chews you up and spits you out in front of management before you know what hit you - all the while being your good friend. He will even invent perfectly logical reasons why you wouldn't have wanted the job anyway. That is, unless he wants to destroy you completely. Then he will just make you look bad in front of everyone for a long time. He might do this with information you told him about yourself in confidence, when he so endearingly listened to you.
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